Here we go again: suffice it to say it's a good thing I purchased some Ketel One prior to the show. It helped me get off on a good foot and apparently I'll be downing it for the remainder of the evening. I would just like to note from the get go that Ashley is in no way, shape or form ready for a mature relationship. 'Of course she isn't Carrie,' you say to yourselves 'She's on tv attempting to
Immediate thoughts:
- Ashley is wearing pants.
- Ashley should have stuck with the
shirtsdresses. - Winnie the Pooh is in theatres July 15th!!
- Don't mess with Lucas.
- Or the Dylan McDermott look-a-like.
- Kentucky Grilled Chicken looks amazing.
- Holy crow Jaycee Dugard is doing an interview with Diane Sawyer on the 10th. WOOT!
- Ashley is clueless.
- JP is so, JP.
- Is she really going to leave this trainwreck with no one?? Somewhere Mike Fleiss laughs maniacally.
Tonight's show opens with ominous music and for a second I think I'm watching The Crow. Nope here comes Ashley. She's wearing pants. Wait a second. Pause. Rewind. Yep those are pants.
This entire first segment can be summed up in one word: Bentley. Harrison shows up in Ashley's room dropping the bomb that Bentley's in the hotel. SHUT UP she says. No Ashley bachelorette YOU SHUT UP. We've been waiting for weeks for you to get dumped. Get over to that room and don't you dare take your pills before heading out. We want the full breakdown!! Off she tears down the hallway: she can't believe he's here (even though she demanded Harrison produce him so she could get
Once inside she clings to him then tries to play it cool with whack lines like 'do you come here often?' when suddenly it dons on her: this guy left of his own accord and is less than enthusiastic to see her. For a second he says they were on the same page and he misses her. Wha? Do I need to put down the Ketel One?? Nope--seeing the cuckoo bird look in her eye Bentley quickly recovers 'imploring' her to see what she has here in the guys who remain. He's in Utah, she's not and that's the way it's going to stay. The lightbulb goes on and rage fills the room. Ashley bachelorette realizes she's been dumped! How dare he?? He's put a period at the end of her dot dot dot and she's not havin' it!! She drops some cuss words, possibly an eff and stomps out the door telling him he should have called. Wait a second lady--you had them call him. He actually made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk to you anymore when he left last time. This is your own fault for not knowing how to take a hint--hel-loooo!
Back in her room she's feeling
First up: Lucas
Or as I shall refer to him after tonight -- Don't Waste My Time
Lucas has never been to Hong Kong, New York or, I suspect, Disneyland. Off they go and I immediately notice Ashley is wearing pants. Not a good sign for Lucas aka mercy rose and easy to eliminate near the end of the process when someone's gotta go, but preferably someone strong so it's not messy (west bawling his eyes out in that one clip? horrible!). Back at the date Lucas is merely hoping for a kiss and a dance. She needs to feel the romance with him and thinks it could happen because she's not thinking about Bentley at all anymore even though she can't stop talking about him to the camera. Summary: Lucas gets his kiss after having to ask for it and then they dance. He's on cloud nine, she likes his 'manlihood'. I can't even go there *dies laughing*.
Back in the hotel Blake and Ryan pee their pants wondering which of them will get the one-on-one. Neither of you two sissies--it's JP for the win! Ashley needs to regain confidence with her main face sucker after being ruthlessly dumped yet again by Bentley. But first we have the group date.
Dragon Boat Racing. Why? Sigh.
Wait a second.
This looks like the dragon that was yanked out from under me by a certain obnoxious...
*blacks out*
Ashley's on the beach in her pants with midriff hanging out as she's tossed on a bikini top to take on the day. Back in sport mode she's divided the guys into 3 teams of 2 directing them to dart out into crowds and recruit rowing teams that will race for her love. I'm going to need 14 Ketel Ones to make it through this mess. The twins Ben and Constantine can't recruit squat so opt instead to purchase red kimonos that then attract their ensemble of characters--primarily women. Blake lets Ryan use his annoying electric personality to rustle up a bunch while Ames and Mitch, the brains and brawn, go for the throat assembling a group of actual dragon boat racers. Taking to the seas Ames and Mitch blow it out of the water and later, as they sit on the beach in a huddle, a proposal takes place just kitty corner to their group. Ashley thinks it's a sign seeing as she has totally forgotten about Bentley even though she's still yammering on about him non-stop.
Cut to scene and it's evening. Ames tosses Ashley into an elevator hitting floor 48 and attacking her face in, quite possibly, the most awkward kiss scene in Bachelorette history. All I remember is his nose smushed into the side of her cheek *turns embarrassed face*. His head is spinning, she's starting to think these guys are really here for her and is so glad she's stopped thinking about Bentley as she brings him up for the 36501284 time on this episode alone. Back at the group Ashley sucks face with Ben for awhile. He's wearing a pastel yellow sweater. He's gotta go. Ryan's next once again whining about not getting a one-on-one so she in predictable Ashley bachelorette mode she hops up, grabs the rose from right in front of the others and gives it to him. The others are half stunned/pissed mad. Ashley bachelorette has once again proven her knack for zero intuition and ability to read others. Must have been quite the awkward ending because next thing you know we're on JP's date.
Around this time it hits me: JP looks like the Chef.
Cut to scene and it's evening. Ames tosses Ashley into an elevator hitting floor 48 and attacking her face in, quite possibly, the most awkward kiss scene in Bachelorette history. All I remember is his nose smushed into the side of her cheek *turns embarrassed face*. His head is spinning, she's starting to think these guys are really here for her and is so glad she's stopped thinking about Bentley as she brings him up for the 36501284 time on this episode alone. Back at the group Ashley sucks face with Ben for awhile. He's wearing a pastel yellow sweater. He's gotta go. Ryan's next once again whining about not getting a one-on-one so she in predictable Ashley bachelorette mode she hops up, grabs the rose from right in front of the others and gives it to him. The others are half stunned/pissed mad. Ashley bachelorette has once again proven her knack for zero intuition and ability to read others. Must have been quite the awkward ending because next thing you know we're on JP's date.
Around this time it hits me: JP looks like the Chef.
How did I not notice this before??
This guy warms my heart. Please Run JP, RUN!! Can she for once stop wearing sweatsuits and leggings around him? He's the best: sweet, kind, a good listener, wicked smile, he thinks they're meant to be and that he'll be down on one knee in a month--he's ballsy too! We like, we like! She of course has to kill it in every way possible by asking the last time he cried and is he over his ex for reals?? What is wrong with her?? I can't stop throwing this question into the night!! Next thing you know she blurts out that Bentley was in town and she just neeeeeeeded to tell him so that everything is in the open at the end when she picks him so there are no surprises. You can see the kicked gut look on his face, but he takes it in stride. He's the one. I'd bet money. They end up on some tram ride to the top of a mountain where they overlook Hong Kong, drink champagne and make out. Can we just cut to the end and tell me she doesn't eff this up?? Better yet tell me he runs away. Please!! Someone? Anyone? Anyone?? Bueller??
I look at the clock and it's 9:40. Out she strolls in some silver sequined mess that does approximately zero for her broad shoulders, but certainly has her boobs hanging out. Has she had a boob job? I'd bet...oh whatever. She has a great idea! Let's tell all the guys how hung up I've been on Bentley and now I'm over it and am certain my husband JP is in this group. Um heard of Hiroshima there Ashley? Not a smart move. They all go nuts and several of them call her out: they're there for her and she's pining away after some guy who left the show? They're not stupid. They know she's the one who got dumped by Bentley and if he wanted to come back she'd have tossed him right back in the mix. She excuses herself to fake cry. Lucas is pissed!! His #1 pet peeve is someone wasting his time. He is second to no one!! Well, except everyone in that room. Blake tries to rip her, but she starts up with the fake crying and he gets sucked in only to be scathingly eliminated less than 5 minutes later as she tosses him the evil eye for daring to call her out. Mickey the chef rips her and asks her to send him home because he's nothing like Bentley and that is clearly her type. She gets on her broom and demands that he excuse himself--so he does. Good for him!! She's a classless fool pretending to "care so much for all them" when the truth is each and every one is her second choice to Bentley who she is totally over, but still talking about every single chance she gets.
Oh JP please be the one who gets on that plane and flies away. PLEASE. Oh yes--didn't I mention?: they show flashes of the remainder of the season and it appears as though she still cannot make up her mind in the end. It showed clips of almost every guy except JP, her being conflicted, and finally her bawling in the end as she goes running out of the rose beachy Fiji circle when a plane flies away with one of "The Ones"--or maybe both. A girl can dream!!
